Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain

Immense harm is caused by the belief that work is virtuous.

Bertrand Russell, “In praise of idleness”

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

George Carlin

Ignorance is a virus. Once it starts spreading, it can only be cured by reason. For the sake of humanity, we must be that cure.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

I am driven by two main philosophies: know more about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You'd be surprised how far that gets you.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

The bible should be one sheet of paper. And on that sheet of paper it should say "Try Not To Be A Cunt". And if you do that everyday, you'll be a good person.

Jim Jefferies

No, you can't deny women their basic rights and pretend it’s about your 'religious freedom'. If you don't like birth control, don't use it. Religious freedom doesn't mean you can force others to live by your own beliefs.

Barack Obama

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Golda Meir, prime minister of Israel

I've got nothing against God… It's just his fan club I can't stand.

On a bumper sticker

Religion should be made fun of. It is kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?

Larry David

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Larry David

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

Larry David

I'm not scared of dying, because I'm an atheist. I won't even know I'm dead. You know why? Because I'll be fuckin' dead.

Jim Jefferies

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Don Marquis

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Robin Williams

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

W. H. Auden

Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

Edward Abbey

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Robin Williams

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Claude Pepper

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

H.L. Mencken

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers